Now, son, I know it’s difficult to understand, this whole Easter business and how we celebrate it. But you have to realize, Jesus was not as laid back as he would have liked to be. Son of God is a job that comes with expectations, obligations. Let’s face it: getting nailed to a cross is a bitch. Not even God volunteered for that gig.
So Jesus came down off the cross and was really ready for a break. I mean, we all need a little time off when work gets hectic. And this wasn’t just heavy stress overtime: we’re talking 24 hour days with nails searing through your skin while splinters jabbed you everywhere else. And Jesus was a carpenter, he knew what a lousy job they’d done nailing him up there. Every mistake they made during the crucifixion, it had to be killing him not to get down from there and show those amateurs how it’s done.
Anyway, by the time he got down our Lord really needed some time off. And not that eternal peace crap, either; he had all the time in the world for that. He needed some time off right NOW, goddamnit. Jesus just needed a little time by himself to relax, a minute or two of not being the Lord. And as Jesus sat in agonizing pain, trying to figure what he could put his weight on that wouldn’t hurt, he happened to see in the grass a little rabbit. An oblivious little rabbit, a creature that knew nothing about sin or salvation or eternal damnation. And Jesus saw that nearly brainless bunny as a stress-free thing to be, too stupid to worry that it might be eaten at any time by an unseen predator. Not that instantaneous death seemed like such a bad way to go. That’s what a few days on a cross will do to your perspective.
Now, Jesus was an old hand at miracles remember, water into wine and that sort of crap. So transforming himself into a bunny was no big deal. Yet he realized as soon as he’d made the change that it wasn’t enough. Jesus was used to being something special; it wasn’t enough to be just another rabbit. He needed more than that. Just as he could stand to be a man but not like all the other men, Jesus wasn’t about to put up with being just like all the other rabbits. He had to be different. And it came to him as he twitched his little holy cotton tail: he would lay eggs. There was something he had never done as a human, and something no other rabbit had done. So Jesus the rabbit proceeded to sit and lay some eggs. But there were no other rabbits around to show them off to, so he gathered some grass and straw and made himself a basket, gently placed the eggs inside, and began hopping around the woods looking for other rabbits. After awhile he came across some bunnies in a clearing, and showed them his basket of eggs, explaining that he had laid them himself. And made the basket, another thing that none of them could do. But the
other rabbits either didn’t care or didn’t want this sort of thing lorded over them; regardless, they did not praise Jesus the rabbit for his egg-laying miracle.
Sadly, Jesus hopped away, despairing of salvation for bunnies. It occurred to him that only humans would appreciate what he had done, that the rabbits were too fucking stupid to know they didn’t lay eggs. And as he came to a clearing, Jesus the rabbit saw some human children and approached them. He offered them his basketful of eggs, but the children were not that fond of eggs, however miraculously they might have been laid. What, then, could they want? Of course, Jesus realized, children do not want eggs, they want chocolate. So he performed another miracle then, and transformed the eggs into chocolate. The children gobbled up the chocolate eggs and ran from the enchanted bunny, not knowing what other types of tricks it might perform. And Jesus, disappointed that the children had not even thanked him, returned to the form of a man and trudged back through the woods.
And that, my son, is the true story of Easter, and of how Jesus became a chocolate egg laying bunny.